Dear Amy: My 30-year-old son “Danny” lives with me and my husband because he has serious health problems.
Danny works full time and has a medical cannabis card. He purchases marijuana every week.
About a year ago, I discovered that my healthy husband has been stealing marijuana from my son’s bedroom and has been using it regularly.
Danny was upset but is too nice to confront his father.
I bought Danny a lockbox in which to keep his medication and told my husband that this situation is totally unacceptable. I even consulted a divorce attorney.
My husband said he is trying to stop using, but he continues to search my son’s bedroom when my son and I are out. He also lies to me.
I would like to go away to visit a friend for a few days, but I’m hesitant to do this because I will not be able to monitor my son’s bedroom, and I’m afraid my husband will take my son’s medication while I’m away.
I would appreciate any advice on how to deal with this.
— Fed Up
Dear Fed Up: In addition to stealing “Danny’s” property, your husband is also denying him doses of medication which he presumably needs. (Medical cannabis is used to treat many different and serious chronic illnesses.)
This is an extreme violation, as well as a very sad lack of parental compassion toward his son.
When your husband says that he is “trying to stop using,” but continues this behavior regardless, he is admitting that he has a problem. You don’t note how this cannabis use affects him, but if he believes he needs cannabis to treat his own maladies, perhaps he should consult with his own doctor.
You have correctly intervened and given your son a strategy to protect his stash, but now you are also caught in the somewhat familiar cycle of “policing” your household in order to protect all parties from the logical consequences of your husband’s actions.
In protecting your son, you are also attempting to control your husband. That’s a lot of work — and it shouldn’t be your job.
You should leave your household for a few days; doing so might help you to clear your own head and explore what changes you might make in order to live your own life the way you want to.
Exiting from the dynamic and detaching from the need to control the outcome is challenging.
You might return home with the realization that it is time for an ultimatum: Either your husband gets help for his own problem, or you two will need to separate.
Dear Amy: I have been in a relationship for 10 years with a man I love. We have had a good relationship, but like any couple we also have had our ups and downs.
I know I should end things with him, because this relationship is going nowhere.
He has two major problems: First of all, he is a hoarder. Secondly, there is another woman. He swears up and down that they’re only friends, but he continues to see her behind my back.
She gives him money so that he will continue seeing her.
I’m asking for your advice about what I should do.
I feel like if I end the relationship — she wins!
What do you think?
Dear Betwixt: Your “ups and downs” are not necessarily like most couples’ ups and downs.
You state that your guy has two problems: Hoarding and infidelity.
You have one problem: Him.
It’s quite obvious that if you leave — you win.
Investments in relationships are sort of like playing the stock market: There is no guarantee of a return on your investment.
But what you’ve put into this particular relationship is more valuable than any financial investment, because you have given this your time. And you never get that time back.
You can delay a decision and play it out over the next months — or years — but you’ve already ridden this relationship roller coaster for a decade of your life.
Maybe it’s time to stop.
Dear Amy: “Caught in a Family Feud” was planning a family get-together for their newly discovered half-brother.
Caught was worried because one brother, “Eric,” would behave badly at the event.
The day of having to tolerate angry guests is over. Now, I only invite people who are well behaved, and Zoom in the others briefly.
— Peace in the Valley
Dear Peace: The ability to “mute” people might make Thanksgiving gatherings more tolerable this year.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)
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